I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
