Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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