turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
