dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
