There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
false alarm. still invincible.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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