You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
