i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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