im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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