I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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