Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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