Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
