I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
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