Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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