When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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