I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
