Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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