Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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