just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
