I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
