Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
