So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
