??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
