He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
