ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
