somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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