My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
