Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
