Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
