I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
