I wish I could punch you in the face.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
