Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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