mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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