I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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