Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
