You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
