i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
