I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
