we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize