I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
