omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
don't judge my taste in strippers
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
