So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize