My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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