Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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