I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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