the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
