Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
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