I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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