She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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