I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
