If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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