k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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