Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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