i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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