theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
