Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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