You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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