boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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